Try and take away the one thing i shine in? Thats what it seems like. No i didnt succeed in what you wanted me to. I failed. It's over. Sad but true and i dont know who needs to get over it more.. me or you.

All we have...

Its really hard being a female only child. I mean sure there's some ups and downs but lately all i've been seeing are the downs. Not being able to stay as late as friends do in Vancouver, being called A LOT by my parents when i do go out, having them upset with me when i've missed their calls, not being able to get away with some things, excessive attention, being blamed for everything, feeling like too many of these expectations are weighed onto me.. should i really go on with this complaining? I didnt write this blog post to whine and bore you but i actually relearned something that for some reason hadn't affected me so much in past times.



Next month i'm leaving with sicktylz for a huge competition out of Canada. I could have sworn I had told my parents but i guess not because once i gave them the consent forms my dad was ...surprised (and not in the good way). It worries him that we're being driven there by sickstylz members. I dont see what the big deal is. I've been driven to some practices by them it really isn't anything new. I know it's going to be a longass drive from here to there but if they didn't think it was possible they wouldn't have planned it out this way. ..right? Anyways my father and i end off this argument badly with me saying "well yeah..atleast now you know i'm going" and he responds with a "NO MAYBE". WTF MAYBE?!? I know he's just saying that to try and worry me and all but why would he even. I've worked my ass off for this for a whole year just for him to try to hold me back? Wow. Anyways for the next 5 days i stay mad at him avoiding talks and responding with short, blank, careless answers at the dinner table.



Whenever he'd bring up the topic again we'd end up in the same arguements. Today in the car for example, it starts off as a talk and ends in yelling. And when he comes to pick me up from practice he's wise enough not to bring it up for the millionth time. I give him my chocolate heart as some small sign of saying "peace?" although i know it won't resolve much anyways. I start feeling bad, my dad has that effect on my after a while.



When we do get home i go up to him and explain myself for the last time. Telling him i thought i told him and if i didn't the only reason why i probably didn't was because i was scared about him saying no.



"Dad I'm sorry"

"It's okay, i just want you to know that the only reason why i'm making this a big deal is because i'm worried for your safety that's all."

"I know Dad i guess i would be too if i were a parent. I'm a girl and I'm an only child."

"Jessica, you're all we have left."



So next time you want me home by a certain time i will respect that. Next time you want me to give you every detail that is necessary for you to know i will tell you. I will try to answer your calls right away to avoid having you call minute after minute and leaving 12 missed calls on my cell. And I will try my best in the future not to dissapoint you. I love you both and thankyou for letting me leave next month.

Is this not true?

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down, probably will. You will have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your bestfriend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry becuase time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So, take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt, becuase every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of unhappiness you'll never get back"

...Anonymous

jmr

Besides math...
life is really making me smile.
Like a new start to a new year...
shit this is going to be a good year.